


Lift You Up Until You Break

by patientalien



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Addiction, Substance Abuse, drugs as a dark-side alegory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-01
Updated: 2013-04-01
Packaged: 2017-12-07 03:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/743924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patientalien/pseuds/patientalien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anakin has a problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lift You Up Until You Break

**Author's Note:**

> written for the Wild Space (substance addiction) spot on my hc_bingo card, title from "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind.

It started easily enough. A tiny white capsule provided by Coric, and suddenly all of the fatigue Anakin has been feeling for the past week was gone. It felt as though the battle couldn't be lost; in the middle of the fray, Anakin felt the Force singing along his synapses, telling him where to be, what to do.

When the battle was over, Anakin still felt exhilarated, and it felt good, so unlike the adrenaline hangover he was used to after battles. He congratulated his troops (only four killed, this time), he congratulated Ahsoka, and congratulated himself.

Normally, he would sleep after battle, but he didn't want to sleep. Instead, he left Ahsoka to rest and scouted the next Separatist camp, making a plan for the next day.

By the time he returned to his own camp, the tiny white capsule's magic had worn off. He felt exhausted, drained. Four killed, four of his men gone. And Ahsoka could have died, and he could have died, and suddenly he just wanted to sleep and forget the battle and forget the fact he had to get up and do it all over again the next day.

The little while capsule had taken away the sting of insomnia, had made the screaming stress fade. He didn't want to take another just yet, no battle needed to be fought. Rest, though, was elusive, worries tumbling over each other in his mind. He took a sleep aid instead, and fell into dreamless nothingness.

* * *

Ahsoka Tano wasn't sure her Master knew she'd noticed what was going on. She doubted he did; he wasn't overly perceptive in the best of circumstances. She'd only really noticed when she'd been repacking her field kit and noticed the small container of standard issue stim caps was empty. She'd never used the things, but she knew her field kit inside and out, and knew they were supposed to be there. Further investigation told her the container of sleep aids was similarly empty.

"Master?" she ventured, once they were alone in the Resolute's docking bay. Anakin was overhauling his fighter, Artoo-Detoo plugged into the cockpit running diagnostics, Anakin buried elbow-deep in the engine. Ahsoka suddenly wondered if this was the best time, then decided it had to be. Anakin was in a good mood, had been doing his unique brand of moving meditation. She might not get a better time.

"Yeah huh, Snips?" Anakin replied, not turning from his task. "What's up?" His voice was clipped, not the same kind of casual drawl that usually accompanied his forays into starfighter maintenance.

Ahsoka took a deep breath. "I need to talk to you," she said, taking a step towards him. Her heart pounded as the reality of what she was about to accuse him of began to sink down on her.

Anakin emerged from the engine compartment, grease smeared across his cheek and forehead, his pupils dilated. "Okay," he said, wiping his hands on the rag dangling from his belt.

"Master, I..." Ahsoka reached into her belt and pulled out the empty containers. "I was going through my field kit, and these were empty. I know I haven't used them, and..."

Anakin held up a hand. "Are you sure they didn't just spill in your kit or something?" he asked, and rubbed his jaw. "I don't want to go accuse the men of something like this without more evidence."

Ahsoka chewed on her lip. "I, uh, I don't think any of the men took them, Master," she murmured, wondering if she should have gone to Obi-Wan first. Or anybody else.

Anakin's pupil-blown eyes widened as he realized what she was saying. "You think I took them?" he demanded, taking a step towards her. "Seriously?"

Ahsoka nodded, feeling very small, trying to keep her hands from straying to her lightsabers. "I know you've been using them, Master," she said, trying to keep her tone even.

Anakin pinched the bridge of his nose and turned away from her abruptly. "I'm not going to argue about that with you," he snapped. "What I do is my business,  _Padawan_." He turned back to her, fists clenched.

"And it's my business when my field kit is tampered with!" she shot back, regretting it instantly. Anakin's face clouded with anger, and the hydro-spanner sitting on top of the fighter flew out, propelled by the Force, and lodged into the durasteel wall behind her.

"Master!" she exclaimed, holding up her hands in supplication. "Please! I'm just trying to help!"

The effort it took Anakin to reign himself in was obvious. "I don't need your help," he growled, still angry, still volatile, but at least not violently so. "Get out of here, Ahsoka."

Ahsoka swallowed heavily, and nodded, backing out of the docking bay. She didn't miss Anakin tossing a pair of pills into his mouth, or Artoo's mournful trilling as she left the room.

* * *

"GET DOWN!" Anakin shouted hoarsely, throwing himself into the mud as mortar rounds rained down around them. His heart pounded in his throat, and his limbs were trembling. "FALL BACK!" he commanded, standing, his lightsaber out. "I'LL TAKE THE RIDGE!"

"Master, no!" Ahsoka cried, running after him. "You can't take it alone!" Her face was smeared with mud, her huge eyes filled with frustrated tears. "Let me come with you!"

Anakin shook his head. "No, Snips," he said, dropping a hand onto her shoulder. "I need you to lead the troops to safety, understand?" Why wouldn't she just listen to him for once?

She seemed to want to argue, seemed to want to disobey. "That's an order, Ahsoka," he added sharply, wishing the pounding in his head would go away. Well, he had a fix for that.

As she stormed away (he was sure she was pouting), Anakin reached into his utility belt and pulled out a hypo spray. It had been a few weeks since the stim caps' effectiveness had gone down, even after increasing the dosage. The hypo was the only way it worked, now. Pressing it against his neck, he sighed as the cool liquid coursed through him, his energy increasing, the battle becoming hazy and unreal. He'd never felt better.

* * *

"I need to talk to you."

Obi-Wan didn't want to be having this conversation. He didn't want to be standing in the doorway of Anakin's sleeping quarters, watching Anakin wash down several small pink sleep aids with a swig of bottled ale.

"Yeah, 'bout what?" Anakin asked, sauntering out of his room with his ale, settling onto the threadbare sofa.

Obi-Wan remained standing, despite Anakin's invitation to sit. "Ahsoka and Padme have contacted me," he said carefully. They'd both warned him where this conversation could lead; thrown furniture, shouting, fists through walls. Obi-Wan was prepared; he knew he could handle anything Anakin threw at him. He just wished he didn't have to.

"Oh?" Anakin asked, obviously trying to sound casual as he drank his ale. From the bottles littering the coffee table, Obi-Wan assumed it wasn't his first of the evening.

"Yes," Obi-Wan continued. "They're both very concerned about you, as am I." He waited while Anakin considered his statement.

Anakin cleared his throat and cracked his jaw. "So you're all talking about me behind my back, is that it?" he asked, tone low, warning. Obi-Wan wasn't sure if it was a good thing that he'd happened to catch Anakin in the middle of a self-sedation session; at the very least, it might mean less of a violent outburst.

"No," Obi-Wan replied. "They, and myself, have just noticed that you've changed, Anakin." He steeled himself, and said, "Your drug use is not exactly a secret, you know."

Anakin blinked at him sleepily. "I dunno what you're talking about," he protested, weakly. "The stims are, y'know, it's not a big deal."

Obi-Wan sighed. "Anakin, it is a big deal," he replied. "Do you have any idea what you're doing to your body?"

Anakin shrugged, sipped his ale. "That's what the sleep aids are for," he countered. "Keeps everything, y'know, balanced." He grinned at Obi-Wan. "Because I'm the Chosen One. Y'know, balance."

"This is not a joke, Anakin," Obi-Wan snapped. "The Council has been talking about relieving you of duty." He'd been able to convince them to hold off making a decision until he'd spoken to Anakin, but he had a feeling this conversation was not going to sway them.

Anakin's heavy-lidded eyes snapped open. "They can't do that!" he exclaimed, rising unsteadily to his feet. "Who do they think is winning this kriffing war for them?" He advanced towards Obi-Wan, stumbling and setting the bottles on the table clattering to the floor. "You have to tell them! You can't let them do that!"

Obi-Wan put steadying hands on Anakin's shoulders. "Believe me, I don't want to," he said softly. "But Anakin, you're giving them no choice. You've been putting yourself, your men, and your apprentice in danger. The Council can't ignore that." Obi-Wan thought about the close call on Salucemai, where Anakin had taken an entire ridge of battle 'droids on his own, riding the waves of stim high.

Anakin's glassy eyes brimmed with unshed tears. "Master,  _please_ , don't let them do this to me," he pleaded, the alcohol and tranquilizers breaking down his angry shields. "I've tried to stop, Master, I have." Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow, inviting him to continue. "But I'm better on the stims, and the sleep aids help me calm down, and I  _need_ it. Don't you understand?"

Obi-Wan shook his head. "I'm afraid I don't," he admitted softly.

* * *

Anakin woke up on the couch in his apartment hungover and disoriented. His leg jerked unconsciously, kicking over an empty bottle of Whreyn's Reserve. He moaned, rolled over onto the floor, and stood unsteadily, stumbling to the 'fresher and the sweet relief of the stim hypo. The relief was instant, his headache dissipating, the aching sense of dehydration fading away. And then he remembered why the Whreyn's had been empty: Obi-Wan had been there, and had told him what the Council had planned.

Fury shot though him like flames, and, chest tight with panic, his mechanical right hand flew out and shattered the mirror above the sink. Adrenaline running, he crouched down and screamed wordlessly, fisting his hands in his hair. The overhead lights popped, raining glass shards down on him.

No. No, he would not allow the Council to make this decision. He would prove to them that he was capable of doing what he was supposed to do, even with the stims and the sleepers and everything else. He'd prove they made him better, stronger, made him capable of being the best. Of being the Chosen One.

Calming himself marginally, he strode back out into the living room, picking up his datapad and reviewing the details of what was supposed to be his next mission, grinning wildly when he realized that it was exactly the kind of mission he needed to prove himself. The Separatist cyborg general had been spotted over Bandomeer, and it was Anakin's job to keep him from leaving.

"Grievous," Anakin snarled, closing his fist around his datapad. "I'm coming for you."

Since the Council hadn't made their decision official, no one stopped him when he stormed onto the bridge of the Resolute, ordering them to prepare for launch. Admiral Yularen had yet to arrive, but Anakin didn't want to wait. Besides, the Admiral would report his actions to the Council, and Anakin had no desire for the Council to know about this until he was well on his way to Bandomeer. Besides, he was perfectly capable of commanding a destroyer on his own.

"Orders, Sir?" Captain Rex was at his side, and Anakin nearly jumped in surprise. He managed to tamp down his reaction, and turned to his Captain.

"We're going to Bandomeer," he announced fiercely. "Grievous is there, and I don't want to keep him waiting." He could feel excitement trembling though his entire body, and took a deep breath.

"And the Admiral?" Rex asked, raising an eyebrow. "We're launching without him?"

Anakin let out his breath in a frustrated rush. "I don't need the Admiral telling me what to do!" he snapped. "We're going without him. Any problems with that,  _Captain_?"

Rex's expression implied he did have a problem with it, but Anakin didn't care. This wasn't about Rex, or about Yularen, or anything but getting Grievous and proving to the Council that he was still capable. "No, Sir," Rex said after a long moment, voice hard.

Anakin knew he'd lost the trust of his second in command, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was the mission.

* * *

"Motherkriffer!"

Ahsoka Tano looked up in surprise at Obi-Wan's uncharacteristic outburst. "Master?" she asked, furrowing her brow. "What's wrong?"

Obi-Wan turned away from his datapad, running a hand down his face. "Anakin took the Resolute to Bandomeer," he said, and Ahsoka thought she was going to throw up.

She'd honestly thought her prompting of Obi-Wan to talk to him would have helped. She'd really thought that, if Obi-Wan had been the one to point out his behavior, his clear addiction, he would have taken it seriously. She'd expected to see him today, as contrite as Anakin ever was, ready to get help. But apparently he'd done exactly the opposite, and she couldn't help but blame herself for it.

"Well, we're going after him, right?" she demanded. "We can't just let him go off and... and..." She was going to say 'kill himself', but couldn't form the words.

Obi-Wan's shoulders slumped. "I need to bring this to the Council," he said, and Ahsoka could tell how much it pained him to do so. He turned to her. "Anakin made this choice, and... we will have to let the Council decide how to proceed."

Ahsoka's heart sank. She had a feeling she knew what the Council would say. That her Master was a danger and would be expelled, or worse. "Of course, Master," she said, bowing her head.

* * *

One of the good things, Anakin thought, about not telling anyone what he was doing, was that Grievous was caught entirely by surprise when the Resolute came out of hyperspace over Bandomeer. In fact, it had taken several strafing runs by Gold Squadron before the cyborg general had dispatched his Vulture fighters, and Anakin knew this battle would be his.

Piloting one-handed, he reached behind him and grabbed another stim hypo, deftly injecting himself before returning his attention to the battle. He'd lost track of how many times he'd done that today, but it didn't matter. He felt invincible, felt better than he ever had. Despite the growing headache, the pounding in his chest, he was at the top of his game. Nothing could, or would, stop him.

Artoo trilled a warning as a pair of Vulture fighters got a lock on him. Laughing, Anakin flipped into a barrel roll, coming up behind the vultures and blasting them into vapor.

He ignored the pounding pain in the Force as more and more of Gold Squadron were brought down by the Vultures; it didn't matter, all that mattered was destroying Grievous' ship, getting his revenge,  _proving_  he was better than what they said he was.

Another stim, and he was shouting, laughing, so alive and so free and it didn't matter that the Vultures kept coming, it didn't matter that things were going hazy, it didn't matter that among the Vultures he could see floating remains of his men and Tusken Raiders and his fellow Jedi. None of it mattered.

-Pay attention- scrolled a message from Artoo across his control panel. -You're off course.-

Anakin looked out the cockpit canopy and realized that he was on the far side of Grievous' ship now, away from the command spire, where he needed to be in order to destroy the ship. "Kriff," he spat, pulling his fighter into a hard turn.

The left engine sputtered, and Anakin fought to keep control of the fighter. His turn brought him out directly in front of the Resolute. -Vulture has target lock,- Artoo informed him. Anakin flipped his fighter, but it was too late; his wing disintegrated and he found himself heading right towards his flagship.

"Skywalker to Resolute!" he shouted through his com, struggling to maintain control. "Open the bay doors! I'm coming in hot!"

The bay door began to slide open painfully slowly. Anakin clenched his teeth, certain he was going to be splattered up against the bay door. He reversed his thrusters, suddenly realizing he was having a hard time remembering which controls he needed to use, suddenly losing the intimate connection he usually had to his fighter.

His fighter screamed into the docking bay and skidded across the deck in a stream of flames. The bay door slammed closed and fire suppressors activated. Anakin sat in the cockpit, consciousness coming and going in waves.

He was dimly aware of someone cutting through the cockpit canopy, pulling him out and down. He jerked away, no - he didn't need help. He was fine, everything was fine. "Get me another fighter!" he demanded, pulling himself to his feet.

"That's not a good idea, General," Rex said. "Gold Squadron's had total casualties, going out there alone's not going to accomplish anything." His voice had a hard edge to it, and Anakin felt his anger build.

"GET. ME. A KRIFFING. FIGHTER," he commanded, drawing himself up to his full height. His heart was pounding painfully and he resisted the urge to rub his chest. No, he would make Rex knew exactly who was in charge here.

Rex, though, stood his ground. "Apologies, General," he said, "but I'm not going to do that."

Without thinking about what he was doing, Anakin struck out at Rex, landing a blow square on the clone captain's jaw. Rex stared at him in surprise. He didn't retaliate, to Anakin's frustration.

Anakin's chest tightened, and he gasped, dropping to his knees. He hadn't meant to react that way, but the pain had been surprisingly intense. "General?" Rex's voice was little more than a buzzing in his ears as the docking bay faded.

* * *

The Halls of Healing in the Jedi Temple were meant to invoke a feeling of calm. From the high arched ceilings to the floor-to-ceiling windows letting in light and air, the Halls were designed to promote well-being and recovery.

Obi-Wan Kenobi hated the Halls of Healing, particularly now. After Anakin's stunt over Bandomeer, Captain Rex had made haste back to Coruscant, but not before contacting Obi-Wan to let him know what had happened.

The Council had already made their decision. While Anakin was certainly not in a healthy state of mind, it had been determined not to expel him from the Order. Doing that, Yoda had explained, would make him far more dangerous than if he were still within their ranks. Obi-Wan wasn't sure how he felt about that; though he did not want to see Anakin expelled, the idea of keeping him in the Order merely for fear of the alternative seemed unfair.

He'd been stripped of the Resolute, of the 501st. While he retained his rank, future missions would be done in tandem with Obi-Wan or other senior Council member. And, possibly most importantly, Ahsoka had been reassigned.

Obi-Wan realized he feared Anakin's reaction when he was inevitably informed of the Council's decision. Though the measures taken had been in direct response to Anakin's behavior, Obi-Wan couldn't help but feel a pang of pity for his young friend. Anakin had been acting in what he thought was self-preservation. While not becoming of a Jedi, Obi-Wan at least knew Anakin enough to know he had not acted maliciously.

Regardless, the decision had been made, and it was Obi-Wan's task to inform Anakin. "Master Kenobi." Vokara Che, one of the Temple's most experienced Healers, approached him with a ruffle of voluminous robes. "I understand you are here to see young Skywalker."

Obi-Wan bowed his head slightly in greeting. "Yes," he replied. "May I ask how he's doing?" He wanted to know what he was going to be walking into.

"He spent some time in a healing trance in order to detoxify his body," she said, leading him through the Hall. "The levels of stimulants in his system was... Well, I've never seen anything like it in a living patient." Obi-Wan winced at her use of the term 'living'. It implied Anakin, for all rights, should have died from his overdose. "There will, of course, be some recovery time, and I strongly urge he see the Mind Healers."

Obi-Wan was fairly sure Anakin would not be amenable to that suggestion. "I will encourage it," he said, bowing his head again as Vokara Che motioned to the door leading to Anakin's room.

Anakin was curled up in the bed, only the top of his head visible from under the blankets. Obi-Wan could sense he was awake, and cleared his throat loudly. "Anakin," he prodded.

Anakin slid the blanket down slightly to look at him. "So," he said, voice flat, "You've come to tell me to leave."

Obi-Wan shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself. "No," he replied. "You're not being expelled. But there are... consequences."

Anakin blinked at him. "Like?"

Obi-Wan told him. When he got to Ahsoka, Anakin closed his eyes, expression settling into one of pain and loss. "And I hope you'll strongly consider seeing the Mind Healers," he added.

Anakin's eyes remained closed. "No," he said firmly. "I can do this on my own."

Obi-Wan let out a frustrated puff of air. "You've tried doing it on your own!" he exclaimed. "You only got worse!" He moved closer to the bed. "Please, Anakin, let us help you."

Anakin slitted his eyes open again. "I'll be fine," he said, with finality. "You can leave now, Obi-Wan."

Frowning, Obi-Wan sighed. "Once the Healers release you, we're heading to the Outer Rim. I'll be removing the medications from our field kits before we leave." He didn't want to have to point out this course of action, but he needed Anakin to realize the seriousness of what had happened.

"Fine, whatever," Anakin said, dully.

Obi-Wan stood awkwardly for a long moment. "I will see you later. Rest well, Anakin."

He wasn't expecting a response, and did not get one.

* * *

By the time the Indomitable was ready to depart for the Outer Rim, Anakin was doing an admirable job of pretending everything was back to normal, that it was his choice that he was accompanying Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan was almost able to forget the real reason for their partnership, so glad he was for Anakin's presence. The mission was nearly enjoyable - or as enjoyable as an Outer Rim siege could be, in any case.

He kept a close eye on Anakin, and instructed the medics to keep count of the stim and sleep aid supplies. When none had gone missing in the first three weeks, he began to relax.

He and Anakin sparred, talked, meditated together, planned their strategies together, commanded the troops together. Anakin seemed to be recovering.

Then the Chancellor was captured.


End file.
